World Traveler is Right!!

Soooo after the last post, I was getting ready to leave the country for the very first time as a 21 year old (27 month old) bone marrow transplant survivor! Well guess where I am now...! I am working at a travel company as a 24 year old (5 year old!!!) bone marrow transplant survivor who has been to London, England; Athens, Greece; Florence, Rome, Venice, Italy; Beijing, Shanghai, Wuzhen, Hangzhou, CHINA!; and San Jose, Puntarenas, Monteverde, Costa Rica! I like my list a lot!!!

I seriously cannot believe that 5 years ago I was fighting cancer!  None of it seems real.  I am soooo happy with life.  Even when I'm scared and confused and don't like #Adulting at all--I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to adult.

To just check in:

• I'm still in love with the brilliant Chinese boy
• I'm looking forward to a future with him
• I dance professionally with Denver Dance Company/The BEST group of people ever
• I'm growing my hair back out
• Our turtles are doing well

That's really it!  My life is life and I like it that way!

Until Next Time, BMT Babe out**

Here's my China blog if you are interested in my adventure! http://kenzinchina.tumblr.com/ 

Remember Me?

I KNOWWW!!!  I've been gone for sooo long.  I apologize for that.  I got so caught up with school and love and sleep.  Yes, I said I was busy with all of those things again.  I'm not even sure what number day this is anymore.  I do know that It has been 27 months TODAY!  Wow time actually went by really fast.  Suck it cancer, I barely even remember you!

Sooo, what have I been up to for the last 27th months you ask well I have been busy with being a junior at Colorado College, declaring my major and padding my resume with awesomeness lol.  I've also been falling in love with a brilliant man from China and been being best friends with a fellow "sick kid" from India.  I have been having a great time being alive, that's what I've been doing.

I was reading back over some of my old posts and I remember how scared I was writing them.  I was so scared that my life would never be "normal" or anything close to it.  I thought I would never be able to connect with someone after all of this.  I thought that I would never be as lively as I was before.  Never be as me again....I was wrong!  I have returned to my old self just better and more adventurous I may say.

I went kayaking with fellow cancer survivors this summer.  One of the best experiences of my life and also one of the most unexpected.  I jumped back into life and school with both feet.  And now to add to my goal of living life to the fullest (And also checking something off of my life list)  I will be going to Europe at the end of this month!!!  And for how long?  4 months=2 London & 2 Florence Yes! Italy! Where my nice new bone marrow is from. Hopefully once I get there everything will kick in and I will be fluent in the language.

I am beyond excited while also being terrified.  But this is the feeling I got before kayaking.  Something completely foreign (no pun intended) to me that still catches my imagination and runs with it.  I have dedicated a separate blog for my European adventure
europeankenzi529.tumblr.com  [sorry blogspot, its kinda adorable]

Please check it out and see how Europe is after a bone marrow transplant.  I will keep this blog going to share about life as a bmt survivor while also being a world traveler ;)

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

FU Cancer, I'm 21!

Soooo hello again! I am writing right now as a newly 21 year old. Isn't that AWESOME! Yeah, I know. I have had cancer twice before this day finally came.  That is some shit to think about isn't it?  


I wasn't even able to drink when I really could've used some booze lol. Speaking of booze, I had my first legal drink on Tuesday. It was a sex on the beach and it was delicious! Yes, I am a girly drinker that wants something sweet and fruity.  I was just so happy to be out with my boyfriend and friends, they made my day even better.


I ended up crying a little because I was just so happy to be alive.  My 19th birthday sucked because i was diagnosed with cancer less than a month later. Then my 20th birthday sucked because my friends all baled on me. Like literally, I went to all of their birthdays weeks earlier and on my B-Day no one had any money to come out to spend it with me. I told them about my "party" a long before time too. But then I saw what kind of "friends" I had.
And now I have much much better ones!!!

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

17 months=2012!!!

I know it has been forever! But you can't blame a girl for living after almost dying twice.  Soooo happy with life right now!  I'll fill you in on all the awesomeness you guys have missed.

Sooo I am back at school.  I have been living it up.  Making up for lost times and all.  It has been weird coming back after being gone for so long.  That is kinda an issue.  For the entire first semester I felt like I was brand new again.  I didn't know any of the sophomores that were freshmen when I was gone.  I didn't know any of the new freshmen because neither of us had ever seen each other before.  So while I was trying to meet all the sophomores I also had to introduce myself to the freshmen.  And don't even get me started on what my "year" is...

I honestly had a big problem with that.  I HATE the fact that I am suppose to be a junior.  It is something that bothers me that really truly shouldn't.  I'm not dead right!? That's the important thing.  Not whether or not I'm reppin' '13 or '14.  There are some dumb things that even after facing cancer twice I still care about.  It makes no sense so I'm trying to get over it.  But it is honestly taking a good deal of effort.

You know what also takes effort, connecting with people my age.  I guess due to all my wisdom gained through cancer I am really like 108 years old.  People just don't get me and I don't really get them.  I have tried to re-socialize and join clubs and things but nothing seems to work.  Even the clubs I'm in now, there is no connection to the people I work with.  They all call and talk to each other on the weekends and get their nails done together while I am off meditating or just being me.  I use to be sad about the fact that they didn't want to hang out with me but I understand.  I'm just not into the same things. I am not on the same level.  I'm not even their same age mentally.  It does suck a little being a lone wolf but you know what, whatever.  I'm pretty sure if someone asked me beforehand if I would rather die and have friends and a graduation year of 2013 or survive and be on my own planet with plans for the future...I think I would have chosen wisely.


I love who I am and what I do with my life.  I am happy and that is what matters!  I do not fit into any bubble but I have come to terms with that.  Yay for individuality! Don't worry, I'm not singling anybody out.  These are just my thoughts and how I am dealing with life after death after life after death the first time.

I must admit though. I do connect with some people.  I guess that makes those connections even more meaningful and amazing. People are no longer just simple acquaintances.  When I connect with someone it is like a meeting of souls.  This is how relationships should be.  I want to thank all the people whose souls connect with mine continue my happiness.  <3

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out** 

Well hello again

I know it's been forever since I wrote. Sorry. Busy living life, making speeches and change the world.  You know, the same routine!  Anyway I have come to sooo many new conclusions about myself.  I couldn't deny it anymore, I had to write.

First I love to talk!  I know to anyone that's met me, this is not anything new.  But this time I realized I love to talk to stadiums full of people (or just gym fulls whatever).  I am doing everything in my power to make sure this whole motivational speaker thing sticks.  I have already locked down a couple more gigs for Relay for Life and Bags of Fun.  I am beyond excited to be able to give my experience voice and inspire others going through the same things.  It is a wonderful wonderful feeling to know that lil' ol' me can have powerful words of wisdom!

Next, I am actually friendlier than I remember.  Again, well hopefully, the people that know me will not be surprised by this.  I love making and having friends.  I'm a big fan of hanging out with people and I'm always there for the people I care about.  That is really really important to me.  I want everyone I know to know that I love them.  Even if the feelings aren't reciprocated.  You are my friend for a reason :)
It's funny because the first couple months after BMT I didn't want to be around anyone!!!  One because they could get me sick and two because I didn't really want people seeing me all gross.  My doctor told me all the time that if I wanted to hang out with people I would have to make sure they weren't sick and no one in their house was sick and their boyfriend or girlfriend wasn't sick either.  And I would always respond with "Dr.Q, you don't have to worry.  I'm not going to be around people...I don't like people.  I'm pretty antisocial."  I never understood why he didn't believe me.  It didn't hit me until one day I was walking through the hospital saying hi and chit chatting to almost everyone I saw.  And I don't just mean on the onc floor where my nurses were.  The whole hospital.  Everyone from the secretaries to the kitchen and cleaning staff to the other parents knew me.  "I guess I am pretty friendly" I thought!  I am so happy I have learned this about myself and have accepted it.  My heart is so big.  I guess that's why I cry sooo much.

Oh, I've accepted that too.  I do cry a lot.  It is just in my nature I suppose.  But why should I feel bad about it.  Society tells me it makes me seem weak, well I tell society it makes them look like a holes!  I am perfectly content with my amount of tears most of the time.  Commercials with a little boy saluting his father coming back from war are suppose to make you cry.  I just know I can't wear very much eye makeup.

Lastly, I have realized that I LOVE love.  I kinda always knew I was a big sap softy romantic but I now know just how much.  I like being in love even when its with myself.  Actually, especially when it's with myself!!!  I am focusing my attention on loving me soooo good lol.  For some reason it's harder than I ever thought it would be.  I just don't think I'm use to it.  I am always a significant other.  Now that I'm THE significant one, I'm a bit lost.  I mean I know how to treat myself well.  I always have.  But its just such a different vibe I'm getting and putting off now.  I'm looking forward to every opportunity love puts in my path.  Not just romantic love but friend and family and any other type.  Again, I love loving.

People I have come to love pretty much immediately are other PWCs (People with cancer).  It is something crazy about this connection we share.  We trust each other because we know that the other person gets it.  We wear our hearts out because our walls are lowered.  We tell each other our desires and fears and secrets because they are similarly something we all want to allow someone to know. 
I have always been the strong one.  I am the shoulder that others cry and lean on.  If I placed my tears or true pain on their shoulders, they break.  This isn't just an assumption.  I've watched it happen several times.  I have never felt so vulnerable and open as I do now.  My PWC friends allow me to be this way for the first time without the fear of scaring them away.  I'm allowed to cry on their shoulders and them on mine.  And we all stay standing in the end.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  I know that this is the Loving I love.  This is the kind of friendship, family and especially romantic love I long for.  There is nothing like the connection two people who have gone through cancer have.  I want to reveal my soul to this person and give all that I have to him. 

But until that day of cosmic soul connecting love I will be doing me!  Enjoying every single day I was granted to grace this earth (especially after the end of the world a couple days ago lol).  Savoring every bite of life and all of the wonderful flavors in it!  Connecting with people on so many different levels every chance I get.  And of course, Living Loving and Laughing!

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

Been gone for a minute now I'm back again

HELLO!!!!!  I am at the 6 month mark!  I'm sooooo happy to be here.  It almost makes the rest feel like some weird surreal dream.  Trust me though, it wasn't an easy process getting here.  But every second was worth it!

Since the last time I wrote, I returned to the hospital twice because of stupid freakin shingles!  They SUCK.  Just trust me if you've never had them.  Well, while in the hospital I had to have IV meds and my veins SUCK.  They stabbed me 8 times with a needle one night and none of them worked.  The other two that were already in got infiltrated.  Meaning, they got swollen and painful!  So now I have a little port in my bicep...just in case anything happens again.  Now, I'll probably be fine and never use it lol.  I like it in my arm cause it just kinda disappears since it's actually under the skin.  I mean I still have a bunch of scars and stitches but I'm cool with that. 

That's why I'm already looking for my third tattoo when I haven't gotten my second done.  I have to wait a year or more before I can get a new tat.  I am becoming more and more punk with my scars and tattoos and style.  I think I'm more pissed about this cancer ordeal then I was the first time so it matches my personality.  I am an Afro-Punk and I am proud!

I am also a survivor and motivational speaker!  This is why I get the honor of being Colorado College's Relay for Life survivor speaker!!!!  I'm sooooo excited.  This is exactly what I want to do with my new found wisdom-share it!  I also love to get other's wisdom.  I can not tell you how awesome it is to talk to fellow survivors!  People who get it.  Being another survivor is a timeless bound to have with someone.  Another reason why I would love to find a 20 year old guy that would totally and utterly get it too. :)

I am still keeping myself busy with sign, drums and friends.  I realize I have more people around then I thought.  Yay!  Still living every moment like it's my last, even though I'm pretty sure with all this brand new Italian bone marrow it won't be!

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

The Broviac is Out!!!

If you are unaware of what a broviac is, you should google it. 

My definition for it however is a really obnoxious cord that dangles down your chest making it hard to sleep (especially on your stomach), wear cute scoop or v-neck shirts, and not feel like a machine/man hybrid.  In addition to a lot of the surface issues with a broviac, the upkeep is uber important so you don't get sick from the thing they "installed" in you to get you unsick in the first place.  Everyday you have to change the dressing.  This involves prepping alcohol and sterile water and swabbing a tube that is sticking out of your body.  Yeah, it's really pretty.  Also, everyday you must remember to "flush" your lines. So again you must set aside time to prep saline, syringes, heparin and caps.  I was lucky enough to have a double lumen broviac so I did all this twice.  Anyway....now it is gone and I am beyond happy!

Soooo, that was just my intro.  Today is day +135!!!  I feel absolutely wonderful.  I did kick some of my bad habits from the last entry but I also kicked Kris Carr's book.  She is extremely radical in her feelings of what is suppose to be good for you.  The straw that broke my back was her demonizing non organic lotions and things.  Quote, "If you wouldn't drink it, why should you put it on your skin to be absorbed."  Well honey, I wouldn't drink Chemo.  I really doubt anyone would ever ask for it on ice.  But I would never tell Quinones that I didn't want the treatment because it isn't organic! So she is out of my world for a while.  I realize why I loved her first book.  She wasn't preachy as hell.  She was just sharing a story that she went through that I could also relate too.  Now, she thinks she knows how to prevent cancer through vegetable consumption.  Whatever...but I do enjoy an occasional "green juice."  It doesn't sound all that appetizing but it really does give you green, earthy energy.  Never thought kale, celery, cucumber, and pear would be so good. Especially all together...

I am getting back in the swing of things though.  I am being an awesome home helper.  The same thing I was so devastated about before around day +40.  It does come back.  I have enough energy to put dishes away, clean mirrors and organize shelves just because I want to help.  The feeling of uselessness is extremely hard to deal with.  I'm glad that part is over (knock on wood). 

I'm able to work out like I use to and contribute to things going on around me.  I have come up with a whole work-out schedule that I am super happy with.  I do everything from dance cardio to target training to yoga and piloxing.  Oh, what is piloxing you ask?  Only one of the greatest workout combo's ever.  It's pilates and kickboxing and it is a serious workout.  It incorporates lengthening dance stretches that I love and gets my heart rate up enough to break a sweat.  Yay for movement! I'm also working with Relay for Life, The Arts Council at Children's Hospital and now the Dress to the Nines event.  It is an organization that takes and gives formal dresses to underprivileged women and the proceeds go to CANCER RESEARCH!  You know I am a fan of that!

So now my days are full of good vibes, good food, and good exercise.  I am happy to be getting closer and closer to original Mackenzi.  Well, I guess not original.  I've been through too much stuff to be fully back to factory settings but I like it that way.  The person I am now is a wonderful (Itailian) variation of strength and courage that I wouldn't change for anything.

Day +116

HHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!  I know I've been gone for awhile.  I'm trying to make the most of every single day. This includes watching RuPaul's Drag Race for hours, banging the crap out my drums, eating tons of junk in an effort to gain weight, and calling it a day around 2 in the morning. 

I know!  I'm ashamed of me!

Well now, that all stops! I am still out to have fun with my days but I can only be that worthless and sloth-like for so long.  And now that time has passed.  This just isn't me.  I actually do not enjoy scarfing down candy bars and high calorie frozen dinners.  I believe my skin hates it even more than I do so we must change that right away.  The thing was that I got even skinnier then my already skin pre BMT self.  This means that all of my size 0-1 jeans were sitting on me like limp curtain noodles (my own sad combo metaphor).  I looked awful!  At least by my standards.  I had no curves in any places and started to resemble a "sick person."  I saw this but no one else seem too which was good, or a big fat lie.  Anyway, I took matters into my own hands and looked up ways to gain weight online.  All the articles I read said "add more caloric content" "incorporate good fats and carbs" "don't pig out on junk or else the weight gained will go directly to your hips and thighs"....That's exactly where I want it! 

So I decided to go completely out of my norm and eat over processed super sweet sodium rich food.  Not a good idea at all!  It has been a few weeks and I have gained a muddy complexion, a bumpy and raw tongue, a little bit of the dropsies (not wanting to do anything), and only 1 pound.  Worth it???  Not in the least bit!  So I'm going back to the way I've been eating all my life: salads, raw veggies, fish, salad, stir fry, lean chicken, nothing fried or breaded, and salad.  I enjoy my way of living!

But to change it up I decided to be open minded to Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet.  Kris Carr was at my Tattered Cover bookstore last Friday!!!  If anyone is unfamiliar with Mrs. Carr let me just say, her book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips really helped me get through my Bone Marrow Transplant! 

She is a very awesome cancer cowgirl and I got to meet her! 

She is on a book tour right now promoting her new book Crazy Sexy Diet.  It's not an actual diet but it might as well be.  There is a 21 day cleanse at the end of it.  You know, taking all of this new found knowledge of the horribleness of the regular food we eat and trying to improve our well being by throwing it all out and listening to Hippies lol.  Don't get me wrong, I love Hippies.  I'm a low key, boho hippie most of the time.  But honestly, gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, flavor free cookies are not my thing.

The thing with the diet is you don't really get much food because you're too busy throwing away everything made with dairy, eggs, wheat, animal products, salt, sugar, in a can or frozen.  Yeah, it is totally vegan, gluten free, organic only.  The issue with this is that real people need to be able to have food.  A plate of 80/20-80 percent raw and 20 percent cooked is great in theory but doesn't translate if everything that is cooked has to be raw first, meaning purchased that day or sometime close.  That is unrealistic to go grocery shopping every single day.  That is why a refrigerators and freezers were invented.  Since we are not hunters and gatherings living in tents anymore and not too many of us have our own farms in our backyard, we need to be able to get our food and have it for a second.

My other issue, coming from a cancer patients perspective, it is really hard to stand and prepare your food for hours shortly after chemo or a transplant.  Kris Carr has tumors all over her liver but she never went through chemo or a transplant.  Her cancer is dormant so she's figured out ways to live with it.  That is fantastic for her but each cancer is different and mine doesn't even allow me to eat raw nuts and unpasteurized vegan cheeses so she's definitely not representing majority of fellow cancer survivors because some of the things that "make you so much better" are impossible to us.  We also need a lot of calories (or as much as we can take in) after chemo.  Starting our day with a glass of water with lemon and cayenne, herbal tea, and green juice will kill us before noon.

Oh yeah, and I don't like that she makes correlations between what you eat and getting cancer.  Not in the manner of an actual nutrition fact like others have done but almost like "that burger you ate that one time caused this, that makes it kinda your fault."  She of course does not actually say or mean that (I actually asked her!) but I just don't like anyone using themselves as proof.  Carr was a party girl that didn't sleep but did yoga and drank coffee.  Then she got sick and saw the errors of her ways.  I was a nerdy thirteen year old that eat all her veggies and then some, went to bed around 9 and was active and physically healthy through dance.  The equations aren't always so cut and dry.  Bad living leads to disease.  Oh, and good living can also lead to disease.

Anywayz, that's my rant about that.  I'm still going to try the cleanse but I know what I will incorporate for the long term and what I won't.  I don't believe to be a healthy and Happy individual you need to eliminate so many things from your diet.  Of course don't live off of frozen dinners or the drive through.  Eat salad and raw veggies whenever you can.  Cut back on dairy cause inflammation and Flem Suck.  But don't keep yourself from experiencing wonderful culinary creations because they used non organic environmentally friendly canola oil.

Day 100!!!

It's so funny because day 100 is no different than day 99 or day 101 but in BMT circles its a super big deal.  I'm all for that though.  I am happier than a clam...I never understood that saying, how happy can clams be?

I had my bone marrow aspirate done on Wednesday and everything was WONDERFUL!!!  My ANC was 8943 and my ALC was back to 1.4.  I am also 100% Leukemia Free!  Thank you little Italian baby <3

I feel 1000% fantastic.  I got off sooooo many medications!  All of my morning and evening meds fight in one pill box.  Before I had an overflowing pill box and then another set of pills in my pocket.  I'm sooooo happy about my progress.  Now I'm crying out of joy.  I am soooo lucky to be given a second/third chance.  And with this chance, I plan to do everything in my power to help people like me and everyone else in the world.  I mean this too! 

So far I am sitting on the arts committee of Children's Hospital to help beautify the place that I, and so many others, spend so much time in.  We want the environment to be as inviting as possible to combat the terrible circumstances that most of the patients must deal with.  I know personally how bleak and depressing transfusion rooms can be.  Our current project is getting art and personalized paintings into these rooms to help kids of any age feel a lot better when they have to be in one.

Second, I have created a YouTube account called BMTBabe (naturally).  On my channel, I have motivational videos inspired by my experience.  I want to become a voice for cancer survivors and anyone else that wants to make the most of the life they were given.  My goal is to give people the confidence and motivation to live their lives to the fullest without needing tragedy (like a cancer diagnoses) to propel them there.  Here's my link: http://www.youtube.com/user/bmtbabe

With this same YouTube account, I am raising money for the American Cancer Society by selling my homemade Jewelry.  And when I say homemade, I don't mean plastic beads and string.  I've been making jewelry for years and can design any beaded accessory you can imagine.  Through the YouTube videos I will be taking request for custom jewelry and sending the proceeds to the American Cancer Society.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ2Tti7ptek

I like keeping busy!  Please help if you read my blog even once.  I greatly appreciate it.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

So Close but Still so far

So I am doing amazing!  I'm supper happy to blog this information.  My ANC is in the 6 thousands and my ALC is still in normal people territory!  I feel great.  I'm working out and eat well.  I'm even practicing my drums like a crazy person.

Alas, some days I just remember how shitty and unfair this is and all I can do is cry.  I still keep up my positive attitude and uplifting mindset because that is what gets me through.  Its not fake either.  I'm not always happy and I don't pretend to be.  But I do know that I am lucky to be on the other side of this and appreciate my second/third chance at life.  The only thing with that is my life was at college.  My life was with my friends.  My life was dancing.

I try not to upset myself by going through people's pictures of different blocks on facebook but today I couldn't help it.  I saw people doing things that I would have been doing if I was there.  Things I should have gotten a chance to do.  Things that were taken away from me.  I know that I am a stronger and better person since this but I would give up all this strength and wisdom to just be a stupid college student that isn't worried about her blood count.

I can't stop crying but I know it will pass.  I will go back to relishing everyday and making the most out of my situation.  But I have to be true to myself when I feel this way.  Today I just happen to be in front of my computer when this feeling came on. 

Everything else is going great though.  This is just harder than anyone could possibly imagine.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out** 

Good Cancer Christmas lol

ANC 8345!!!!
ALC (immune system ability-normal 1500-36000) 1600!!!!!!!  Hellz yeah

Soooooo, I am bouncing back soooooo hardcore.  I have to just pat myself on the freakin back.  My Christmas weekend made me feel just like normal again!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yay!

Dec. 23-My mom invited a bunch of our friends over for a chili Christmas fun night.  It was awesome!  I walked around with my bald head and enjoyed every minute of company.  I also received tickets to the Nutcracker from my wonderful wonderful ex/current boyfriend. (I'll explain about him later.)

Christmas Day-My family and I awoke to a tree full of goodies and delicious hot chocolate.  I gave my grandfather a sweatshirt that I customized with all of his favorite sayings/Cliffordism (his name is Clifford)...He LOVED it!  My mom also loved her charm bracelet.  What I loved you wonder, my iPad!!!!!
One, because its an iPad and two because it has an engraving on the back: "1/15/11=Day 100.  You kicked cancer's @ss."  I love my mommy!

Dec.26-So, Jared Lowdermilk is my high school sweetheart.  He was a senior when I was a junior.  We were in the musical (Pirates of Penzance) together and then he asked me to his prom.  The rest is history.  But we decided to go our separate ways when I got to college.  It didn't really work.  We talked and would hang out almost every month still.  So, when this whole cancer thing happened, of course he knew.
He came flying back into my life.  He showed up whenever I needed him.  He is one of the most sincere caring wonderful thoughtful people in the entire world!  He surprised me with the tickets to the ballet then treated me to a much needed night on the town.

So pretty much, I had many Christmases this year.  All wonderful because of the people who love me!  God bless us, everyone :)

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

Day +70

It doesn't even feel like it's been that long!!!  But I'm super happy it has!

After I figured out my capsule problem.  My stomach stopped being a jerk.  It was sooo nice afterwards, I rewarded it with lots and lots of food and cake lol.  I was sooooo happy that my stomach went back to being "my" stomach.  Everyone who knows me, knows I Love to eat.  And I do it sooo well. 

My stomach being awesome lasted around a couple weeks.  Of course, nothing is permanent after a Bone Marrow Transplant.  I mean, my skin is still changing colors so the stomach I guess I will just deal with.  Yesterday my stomach sucked.  I was forced to take Tums around 1 and nothing stopped hurting until 4...
But, once it stopped hurting I was able to eat a pecan roll.  Which was really necessary.

OH, Development!  I don't have to take the stupid powdery nasty pills anymore and...I'm down to taking only 7 meds morning and night!!!!!  As time goes, more pills do too!

I am soooo excited for Day +100! 

I am also excited for a year after that because then I'm getting my new tattoos!  And yes, plural...

I watched a documentary on body modification the other night and I remembered how much I like tattoos, especially when they are super symbolic.  It's such a shame though, I'm either going to have to get my first one redone but hopefully just retouched.  Since my skin changed colors and is now just pretty much coming off...so is my tat on my left shoulder! 

I will go through with redoing it if I have to because it is very symbolic of who I am and the pain is nothing compared to chemo.  Also, if it didn't hurt a little, it wouldn't be as epic when it's done.  Pretty much like a Bone Marrow Transplant.
"Having Tattoos...It's a way of suffering for the things that mean a lot to you."

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out** 

Week after Thanksgiving

Sooooo I ate as much as I could on Thanksgiving but it was not the holiday I planned.  I wanted to vacuum up my plate of food but my stupid mouth wouldn't allow me to.  All of the meds/drugs I was on made my mouth extremely dry and therefore incredibly sensitive.  I couldn't fully enjoy any of the fantastic (not spicy in the least bit) food my mom had made.  It kinda sucked being stuck at a table covered in delicious food and all I could do was nibble and swish with water.  Cancer makes everything SUCK!

Another reason why I couldn't enjoy my wonderful Thanksgiving meal was because I was completely filled with tiny plastic capsules.

Yes, Stupid Plastic Capsules!

Soooo, some of my meds, of course the meds that I have to take 120 of, come in small capsules.  They are suppose to dissolve in my stomach but Guess What...They didn't AT ALL!  And do you know, how I know, that they didn't dissolve.  That's easy.  I saw all the capsules when I threw up everyday!

It was soooo upsetting.  My mom was seriously disturbed to see a huge chunk of plastic come back up my throat.  The graphics are more than necessary.  This was my life for about a week.  I couldn't enjoy ANY FOOD. 

Thank God that has now passed.  To keep my sanity and ability to eat, my mom was smart enough to think about pouring the contents of the capsules out and mixing them in stuff.  The cyclosporin doesn't taste completely disgusting mixed with chocolate pudding but I came upon this conclusion after many more pukes.  The MMF still taste disgusting in everything.  No matter what I put it with, it leaves a delightful powdery mediciny aftertaste all over my tongue.  But I get done with my meds hours quicker now.  

  How wonderful is that!

Appreciating little things like that make this journey a little better everyday.  Truly, getting to go to bed in my room every night helps me get closer and closer to day 100.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

I'm Home

Sorry this post has taken soooo long.  I've been out of the hospital for over a week.  I was just tooo distracted by Thanksgiving!!!

My favorite Holiday

Of course it only has to do with the fact that my mom makes delicious food and I eat like a pig.  It's my least favorite holiday because we are celebrating the massacre of a Native people who were just minding their own business when ships full of "other people" decided to claim a land, that was already occupied!, for themselves.  I kinda turn angry hippie around the holidays yet I still participate.  I don't think that makes me hypocritical.  It just makes me a sucker for good food and gifts.

Anywayz, I have been feeling pretty good at home. After my short stint back on the ward I got a lot of energy back and a lot of drugs too.  The energy part is awesome because it doesn't take me 30 minutes to get up and down the stairs anymore.  The drug part makes the stairs just as difficult as before because I'm in constant concern that I'm just going to fall asleep and tumble down them.  The pain med they gave me is this precious little pill called Methadone.  It works amazingly.  It totally alleviated my pain by distracting with the fact I had no idea what was going on around me.  The first time I took it, I was still in the hospital getting ready to leave.  I was looking out my window dreamily and spotted this large area full of parked cars.  My first thought was "When did a car dealership get in front of the hospital?"  It's called a parking garage!  From there, it only got fuzzier. 

Every couple of hours I was just passing out for no reason.  I fell asleep on the toilet, the kitchen table, my laptop.  I almost fell asleep in my closet one day but I could feel myself falling forward.  That little pill is heavy duty.  I guess that's why its such a good pain pill cause the last thing I'm even thinking about is my pain.  I've cut my dosage in half which helps a little but I can still feel myself slipping out-of-it. 
Oh, it also gives me the craziest dreams known to man!  They're actually really fun to recount.  None of them make any sense in the least bit: I fought a 6 foot 300 lb man, people were doing things they wouldn't ever ever do in real life, and I was on a beach on a ship in the middle of no where hanging out with J.K. Simmons.  They were all very vivid and real.  Drugs are bad...lol

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is out**

I'm back

Soooo I'm back in the hospital.  Yeah, it blows!  But I'm only going to be here for a few days.  I had to be admitted since my pain got out of control.  They wanted me to be here to get some kind of hold on my pain and try to cure it.  Soooo, I don't really want to tell the world where my pain is.  I'm pretty sure you can interpret something from that statement...

Anyway, I'm back here and it is soooo much easier than at home but of course I would still like to be at home.  The difference is that here, I have stayed in bed all day because I can't leave the room and every things done for me.  This helps me get better quicker since I'm not pushing myself to do "stuff."  Another difference with home is I don't have an IV supply of diluted there (hmmm diluted).  But the one thing that will never change about the hospital, and makes home a winner every time, is the constant pestering.  Now don't get me wrong, I love nurses but when they are bad they are awful.  The ones I had on this visit have been pretty terrible. 
Kristin- She admitted me and is such a sweetheart. She gets a Gold Star!
Shannon- Very nice but almost more talkative than me! It is possible. But also a sweetheart. Gold Star!
Now, these people don't get any kind of metal stars.
Danelle- Wow she's stupid. I know it seems harsh but it is soooo true.  She's like a cute kinda Jessica Simpson stupid but as a nurse that's not too cute anymore.  My stomach was killing me so I asked for a hot pack around 10:45.  I ended up falling asleep for awhile, waiting for the hot pack that took 15 minutes to even get to me.  When I woke up, there was an already activated hot pack on my table so when I picked it up, it was cold.  There are other stories of her stupidity but I think that's the funniest.
I don't even remember her name. That's how much I dislike her- When she first started, she flushed a med really really fast.  Flushing things like that really hurts me and usually ends up choking me a little.  I told her that was too just for future knowledge. All other nurses have apologized and checked how fast is too fast for the future.  Not bug-faced-trick-bag, she didn't even acknowledge that I spoke to her! So I repeated myself with the addition of "I wasn't sure if you heard me since you didn't respond at all" and a smile.  Then there were other little things that built all through the night.  Well, when she actually came to check on her freakin patient.  I could have died and it would've taken her 2 hours to even realize it.  I did have an allergic reaction that she could care less about.  My lips started to get swollen so I let her know.  Get it, she's my nurse and its an issue with my health, I had to deal with her.  She seemed to forget that that's how it works. 
Anyway, my favorite thing in the night was when I called her in and told her my lips were still swelling (I had told her before) and she asked, "Oh, can you feel it like tingling" so I responded, "No, I can look at them" so she said, "Really? cause they look exactly the same."  I could have punched her.  Instead I used my words of fury.  "They do not look the same!  I know my lips.  They have always been full because I am black and maybe that's what you're confusing it with but I can tell a difference."  Then I slapped her and told her to find me a real doctor to talk to.  Okay, the last part didn't really happen but I was pissed.  I called my mommy like any mature person would do. 

I made it through the night and into today even inspite of the crappy nurses never giving me my pills at a constant, accurate time.  Whatever, they were on top of the really important things.  I just want this infection to go away so I can go home and not deal with any more nurses for awhile.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is out**

It's been a week!

Soooooo the reason I haven't written in forever is because I've been at home!!!!!!!

I left the hospital on Day +25 and today is Day +35 or 36...I've kinda lost track.  Since I'm not blogging everyday (why, I will explain later) or getting my counts every morning I don't really keep up with how long I've been doing this stupid thing.

This stupid thing that has sucked ALL the life/energy out of me.  It seems ironic that all the chemo and other crap that they put in my body was to save my life when now I feel like I'm dying every time I wake up!  I'm sooooo tired all the time!  Super common and to be expected this soon after.  Even knowing this, I'm still PISSED.  It really blows (yes, blows lol) to get winded from walking upstairs or showering.  I can't do Anything I use to be able to.  I can't even help around the house with regular things.  It makes me so mad that I can't help my mom.  She's a single mother that works full time then comes home to a useless 82 year old man and a worthless 19 year old Cancer survivor.  So then she works full time at home too.  She knows that I would help if I didn't get tired from being tired.  It's just a sensitive area that makes me more annoyed then probably anyone else.
Anyway, that's all another matter.  I'm trying my hardest to get through this time of exhaustion, itching, and pain.  Oh yeah, being at home is not a bundle of roses.  It's awesome! don't mistake but the fact that only 30 days ago my body was completely wiped with all of these toxic chemicals and is now being put back together again from the inside out does make things a little hard.  I just have to deal with the fact that my skin is sensitive to freakin water pressure, my entire body itches CONSTANTLY, and that I have to be at least 33 different shades of brown (this one isn't that big-a-deal). 

Trying to stay strong but it is very hard.  When in doubt though I think about not wasting this wonderful bone marrow that I was lucky enough to receive.  OH, about my bone marrow!  I am 100% donor and it's engrafted 60% which is again amazing because usually by day 30 it's only about 30%.  I am sooooo grateful that my bone marrow transplant has gone so wonderfully.  I am sending all of my good energy and fortunate vibes to the 7th floor at The Children's Hospital.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is out**

Halloween

ANC 2886!!!!
WBC 3.9
RBC 3.34
Hemoglobin 10.2
Plt Ct 17
ABS # 0.4

Such a fun day!  So since I wasn't allowed to  leave my room or anything to actually show off a costume I did a really easy costume I could sit around my room in.  Drumroll please....I was 3 things in 1-A bum, a stoner, and a CC student lol.  They all look the same!

While I was "dressed up" I played video games in my room and ate everything.  Especially Candy.  I will not look at another snickers for awhile.

After that, I watched "Hocus Pocus" and felt soooooo old!  That movie came out when I was 2 and I remember watching it and loving it growing up.  Do you know what I realized while watching the movie.  The little boy that played the cat Binx is now McGee on "NCIS!"  How weird is that to recognize someone almost 20 years in the future.  It was also surreal that I could say 15 years ago and remember it!  I sooooo appreciate how much life I have gotten to enjoy.  It's beautiful to appreciate how many years you have been around.  Getting old is weird but pretty awesome!

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is out**

Day +22 & 23

ANC 1027-->1435.5

I actually don't feel like blogging about these days.  I don't know why!  They were good days.  Even fun and relaxing.  I just don't really have anything to say about them... 

You know, that may be a good thing.  They weren't anymore exciting than any other day.  No need to tell the world about an ordinary day.  I was just like everyone else.  That's a beautiful thing that we take for granted.  Boring days!  Not all of us are lucky enough to have a day that no one cares about.  I enjoyed my days of unimportance.  Enjoy yours!

I'm going home day +25!!!!!!!!!

I'll blog about that later I suppose.  The day after Halloween will be pretty wicked sweet.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is out**

Day +21

ANC 1210
WBC 2.2
RBC 3.62
Hemoglobin 11.2
Plt Ct 30
ABS # 0.3

I feel 100%!!!  Today was a nice ZEN day.  I felt like I was staying at a monastery more than a hospital.  I took time in my morning to eat a balanced breakfast.  Watched a little TV.  Stretched and meditated for a few hours.  And read my book. 

Very chill day which I ended with "Malice in Wonderland" (a modern London twist on Alice) and several episodes of "South Park."  I can't help it. I love that show.  Plus it goes sooo well with peanut m&m's at two in the morning. 

That was my day.  Yeah, that's it.  I'm not going to lie.  I enjoy my relaxing zen days.  All I had to do was concentrate on me and my health and what helps make me happy.  I think more people should have days like this.  I have now dubbed them Buddha monastery days-inspired by "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips."  Thanks Kris Carr! 

Enjoy days when you do things that make you happy for as long as you want.  You don't think you should lie on a mat and listen to music for 2 1/2 hours.  There are more important things you could be doing?  Foo-ey!  At that time, meditating in your own way is the most important thing you can do for your well being and health.  Right now I have the freedom to do this but I really believe everyone should take time out and have some monastery time.  Quiet your mind and enjoy the life you are living!


zen circle

 Until Next Time, BMT Babe is out**

Day +20

Yes, it has been that long already!
But look at this progress!!!

ANC 1386!!!!!!!
WBC 2.1
RBC 3.69
Hemoglobin 11.4
Plt Ct 47
ABS # 0.3

These numbers are soooo important to me! If everything stays just like this/better I am going home MONDAY!!!  This makes me incredibly happy and extremely nervous all at the same time.  I want to go to my couch and my kitchen and my room soooooo badly I can taste it.  But I do not want anything jeopardized with my health. Thinking about that....I had visitors today.

Soooooo I have this family you know.  And they're crazy anyway.  Today one of the crazy members (my aunt-in-law, that's how I feel about her) decided to come by my room at 8 o clock in the morning.  Not the best time to visit someone and not the best time to see them for the first time in probably years.  Yeah, we're all really close...
So initially I thought the gesture was nice.  Even when people only appear when you're sick, they are at least still appearing.  But no!  She's a moron and thought that the first visit this morning was okay so she came back a few hours later with my cousin who just had knee surgery-meaning, he was in a dirty wheelchair that was pushed into my isolation room.  And, to top all of this off.  In BMT you have a list of up to 6 people because they don't want too many people/too many germs coming back and forth.

They are not on my list nor have ever been!!!!

We were not happy with the hospital today.  I was freakin out because they are not the most germ friendly people and I will be sooooo pissed if I get something from them that keeps me from going home.  That kinda messed up my mood for the rest of the morning.  I got food in me though and wasn't as moody.

Later, my mother and I had a long talk with the doctor about getting the house ready for me to move back into.  This process is pretty much ridiculous!  There are soooooo many things we have to do and change.  This was around the time I had a mental breakdown.  It was a lot to take in you know.  I don't even feel like me anymore sometimes.  My face is different and I don't have very much of my own bone marrow and my freakin birth mark disappeared.  Yeah, how weird is that.  It's been there since I was born and now its 10% of what it was. 

It honestly is a lot for a person's mind to digest.  BMT has taken my former life and flipped it on its ear.  Nothing is the same and it won't be for up to a year.  It's just something I have to deal and come to terms with.  Imagine that though.  To have your entire life, the life you know and love and are use to, completely revamped by people looking in from the outside.  It's hard but I will deal and make it through this little thump in my life.  

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is out**