I know it's been forever since I wrote. Sorry. Busy living life, making speeches and change the world. You know, the same routine! Anyway I have come to sooo many new conclusions about myself. I couldn't deny it anymore, I had to write.
First I love to talk! I know to anyone that's met me, this is not anything new. But this time I realized I love to talk to stadiums full of people (or just gym fulls whatever). I am doing everything in my power to make sure this whole motivational speaker thing sticks. I have already locked down a couple more gigs for Relay for Life and Bags of Fun. I am beyond excited to be able to give my experience voice and inspire others going through the same things. It is a wonderful wonderful feeling to know that lil' ol' me can have powerful words of wisdom!
Next, I am actually friendlier than I remember. Again, well hopefully, the people that know me will not be surprised by this. I love making and having friends. I'm a big fan of hanging out with people and I'm always there for the people I care about. That is really really important to me. I want everyone I know to know that I love them. Even if the feelings aren't reciprocated. You are my friend for a reason :)
It's funny because the first couple months after BMT I didn't want to be around anyone!!! One because they could get me sick and two because I didn't really want people seeing me all gross. My doctor told me all the time that if I wanted to hang out with people I would have to make sure they weren't sick and no one in their house was sick and their boyfriend or girlfriend wasn't sick either. And I would always respond with "Dr.Q, you don't have to worry. I'm not going to be around people...I don't like people. I'm pretty antisocial." I never understood why he didn't believe me. It didn't hit me until one day I was walking through the hospital saying hi and chit chatting to almost everyone I saw. And I don't just mean on the onc floor where my nurses were. The whole hospital. Everyone from the secretaries to the kitchen and cleaning staff to the other parents knew me. "I guess I am pretty friendly" I thought! I am so happy I have learned this about myself and have accepted it. My heart is so big. I guess that's why I cry sooo much.
Oh, I've accepted that too. I do cry a lot. It is just in my nature I suppose. But why should I feel bad about it. Society tells me it makes me seem weak, well I tell society it makes them look like a holes! I am perfectly content with my amount of tears most of the time. Commercials with a little boy saluting his father coming back from war are suppose to make you cry. I just know I can't wear very much eye makeup.
Lastly, I have realized that I LOVE love. I kinda always knew I was a big sap softy romantic but I now know just how much. I like being in love even when its with myself. Actually, especially when it's with myself!!! I am focusing my attention on loving me soooo good lol. For some reason it's harder than I ever thought it would be. I just don't think I'm use to it. I am always a significant other. Now that I'm THE significant one, I'm a bit lost. I mean I know how to treat myself well. I always have. But its just such a different vibe I'm getting and putting off now. I'm looking forward to every opportunity love puts in my path. Not just romantic love but friend and family and any other type. Again, I love loving.
People I have come to love pretty much immediately are other PWCs (People with cancer). It is something crazy about this connection we share. We trust each other because we know that the other person gets it. We wear our hearts out because our walls are lowered. We tell each other our desires and fears and secrets because they are similarly something we all want to allow someone to know.
I have always been the strong one. I am the shoulder that others cry and lean on. If I placed my tears or true pain on their shoulders, they break. This isn't just an assumption. I've watched it happen several times. I have never felt so vulnerable and open as I do now. My PWC friends allow me to be this way for the first time without the fear of scaring them away. I'm allowed to cry on their shoulders and them on mine. And we all stay standing in the end. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I know that this is the Loving I love. This is the kind of friendship, family and especially romantic love I long for. There is nothing like the connection two people who have gone through cancer have. I want to reveal my soul to this person and give all that I have to him.
But until that day of cosmic soul connecting love I will be doing me! Enjoying every single day I was granted to grace this earth (especially after the end of the world a couple days ago lol). Savoring every bite of life and all of the wonderful flavors in it! Connecting with people on so many different levels every chance I get. And of course, Living Loving and Laughing!
Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**
First I love to talk! I know to anyone that's met me, this is not anything new. But this time I realized I love to talk to stadiums full of people (or just gym fulls whatever). I am doing everything in my power to make sure this whole motivational speaker thing sticks. I have already locked down a couple more gigs for Relay for Life and Bags of Fun. I am beyond excited to be able to give my experience voice and inspire others going through the same things. It is a wonderful wonderful feeling to know that lil' ol' me can have powerful words of wisdom!
Next, I am actually friendlier than I remember. Again, well hopefully, the people that know me will not be surprised by this. I love making and having friends. I'm a big fan of hanging out with people and I'm always there for the people I care about. That is really really important to me. I want everyone I know to know that I love them. Even if the feelings aren't reciprocated. You are my friend for a reason :)
It's funny because the first couple months after BMT I didn't want to be around anyone!!! One because they could get me sick and two because I didn't really want people seeing me all gross. My doctor told me all the time that if I wanted to hang out with people I would have to make sure they weren't sick and no one in their house was sick and their boyfriend or girlfriend wasn't sick either. And I would always respond with "Dr.Q, you don't have to worry. I'm not going to be around people...I don't like people. I'm pretty antisocial." I never understood why he didn't believe me. It didn't hit me until one day I was walking through the hospital saying hi and chit chatting to almost everyone I saw. And I don't just mean on the onc floor where my nurses were. The whole hospital. Everyone from the secretaries to the kitchen and cleaning staff to the other parents knew me. "I guess I am pretty friendly" I thought! I am so happy I have learned this about myself and have accepted it. My heart is so big. I guess that's why I cry sooo much.
Oh, I've accepted that too. I do cry a lot. It is just in my nature I suppose. But why should I feel bad about it. Society tells me it makes me seem weak, well I tell society it makes them look like a holes! I am perfectly content with my amount of tears most of the time. Commercials with a little boy saluting his father coming back from war are suppose to make you cry. I just know I can't wear very much eye makeup.
Lastly, I have realized that I LOVE love. I kinda always knew I was a big sap softy romantic but I now know just how much. I like being in love even when its with myself. Actually, especially when it's with myself!!! I am focusing my attention on loving me soooo good lol. For some reason it's harder than I ever thought it would be. I just don't think I'm use to it. I am always a significant other. Now that I'm THE significant one, I'm a bit lost. I mean I know how to treat myself well. I always have. But its just such a different vibe I'm getting and putting off now. I'm looking forward to every opportunity love puts in my path. Not just romantic love but friend and family and any other type. Again, I love loving.
People I have come to love pretty much immediately are other PWCs (People with cancer). It is something crazy about this connection we share. We trust each other because we know that the other person gets it. We wear our hearts out because our walls are lowered. We tell each other our desires and fears and secrets because they are similarly something we all want to allow someone to know.
I have always been the strong one. I am the shoulder that others cry and lean on. If I placed my tears or true pain on their shoulders, they break. This isn't just an assumption. I've watched it happen several times. I have never felt so vulnerable and open as I do now. My PWC friends allow me to be this way for the first time without the fear of scaring them away. I'm allowed to cry on their shoulders and them on mine. And we all stay standing in the end. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I know that this is the Loving I love. This is the kind of friendship, family and especially romantic love I long for. There is nothing like the connection two people who have gone through cancer have. I want to reveal my soul to this person and give all that I have to him.
But until that day of cosmic soul connecting love I will be doing me! Enjoying every single day I was granted to grace this earth (especially after the end of the world a couple days ago lol). Savoring every bite of life and all of the wonderful flavors in it! Connecting with people on so many different levels every chance I get. And of course, Living Loving and Laughing!
Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**
hi bmtbabe! i'm mofo. i followed a link to here and read some of your story. i am a radiation therapist so i know how important a good attitude can be; seems like you got that part down.
ReplyDeleteoh, by the way, i play bass. we should start our own band! LOL.