Well hello again

I know it's been forever since I wrote. Sorry. Busy living life, making speeches and change the world.  You know, the same routine!  Anyway I have come to sooo many new conclusions about myself.  I couldn't deny it anymore, I had to write.

First I love to talk!  I know to anyone that's met me, this is not anything new.  But this time I realized I love to talk to stadiums full of people (or just gym fulls whatever).  I am doing everything in my power to make sure this whole motivational speaker thing sticks.  I have already locked down a couple more gigs for Relay for Life and Bags of Fun.  I am beyond excited to be able to give my experience voice and inspire others going through the same things.  It is a wonderful wonderful feeling to know that lil' ol' me can have powerful words of wisdom!

Next, I am actually friendlier than I remember.  Again, well hopefully, the people that know me will not be surprised by this.  I love making and having friends.  I'm a big fan of hanging out with people and I'm always there for the people I care about.  That is really really important to me.  I want everyone I know to know that I love them.  Even if the feelings aren't reciprocated.  You are my friend for a reason :)
It's funny because the first couple months after BMT I didn't want to be around anyone!!!  One because they could get me sick and two because I didn't really want people seeing me all gross.  My doctor told me all the time that if I wanted to hang out with people I would have to make sure they weren't sick and no one in their house was sick and their boyfriend or girlfriend wasn't sick either.  And I would always respond with "Dr.Q, you don't have to worry.  I'm not going to be around people...I don't like people.  I'm pretty antisocial."  I never understood why he didn't believe me.  It didn't hit me until one day I was walking through the hospital saying hi and chit chatting to almost everyone I saw.  And I don't just mean on the onc floor where my nurses were.  The whole hospital.  Everyone from the secretaries to the kitchen and cleaning staff to the other parents knew me.  "I guess I am pretty friendly" I thought!  I am so happy I have learned this about myself and have accepted it.  My heart is so big.  I guess that's why I cry sooo much.

Oh, I've accepted that too.  I do cry a lot.  It is just in my nature I suppose.  But why should I feel bad about it.  Society tells me it makes me seem weak, well I tell society it makes them look like a holes!  I am perfectly content with my amount of tears most of the time.  Commercials with a little boy saluting his father coming back from war are suppose to make you cry.  I just know I can't wear very much eye makeup.

Lastly, I have realized that I LOVE love.  I kinda always knew I was a big sap softy romantic but I now know just how much.  I like being in love even when its with myself.  Actually, especially when it's with myself!!!  I am focusing my attention on loving me soooo good lol.  For some reason it's harder than I ever thought it would be.  I just don't think I'm use to it.  I am always a significant other.  Now that I'm THE significant one, I'm a bit lost.  I mean I know how to treat myself well.  I always have.  But its just such a different vibe I'm getting and putting off now.  I'm looking forward to every opportunity love puts in my path.  Not just romantic love but friend and family and any other type.  Again, I love loving.

People I have come to love pretty much immediately are other PWCs (People with cancer).  It is something crazy about this connection we share.  We trust each other because we know that the other person gets it.  We wear our hearts out because our walls are lowered.  We tell each other our desires and fears and secrets because they are similarly something we all want to allow someone to know. 
I have always been the strong one.  I am the shoulder that others cry and lean on.  If I placed my tears or true pain on their shoulders, they break.  This isn't just an assumption.  I've watched it happen several times.  I have never felt so vulnerable and open as I do now.  My PWC friends allow me to be this way for the first time without the fear of scaring them away.  I'm allowed to cry on their shoulders and them on mine.  And we all stay standing in the end.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  I know that this is the Loving I love.  This is the kind of friendship, family and especially romantic love I long for.  There is nothing like the connection two people who have gone through cancer have.  I want to reveal my soul to this person and give all that I have to him. 

But until that day of cosmic soul connecting love I will be doing me!  Enjoying every single day I was granted to grace this earth (especially after the end of the world a couple days ago lol).  Savoring every bite of life and all of the wonderful flavors in it!  Connecting with people on so many different levels every chance I get.  And of course, Living Loving and Laughing!

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

Been gone for a minute now I'm back again

HELLO!!!!!  I am at the 6 month mark!  I'm sooooo happy to be here.  It almost makes the rest feel like some weird surreal dream.  Trust me though, it wasn't an easy process getting here.  But every second was worth it!

Since the last time I wrote, I returned to the hospital twice because of stupid freakin shingles!  They SUCK.  Just trust me if you've never had them.  Well, while in the hospital I had to have IV meds and my veins SUCK.  They stabbed me 8 times with a needle one night and none of them worked.  The other two that were already in got infiltrated.  Meaning, they got swollen and painful!  So now I have a little port in my bicep...just in case anything happens again.  Now, I'll probably be fine and never use it lol.  I like it in my arm cause it just kinda disappears since it's actually under the skin.  I mean I still have a bunch of scars and stitches but I'm cool with that. 

That's why I'm already looking for my third tattoo when I haven't gotten my second done.  I have to wait a year or more before I can get a new tat.  I am becoming more and more punk with my scars and tattoos and style.  I think I'm more pissed about this cancer ordeal then I was the first time so it matches my personality.  I am an Afro-Punk and I am proud!

I am also a survivor and motivational speaker!  This is why I get the honor of being Colorado College's Relay for Life survivor speaker!!!!  I'm sooooo excited.  This is exactly what I want to do with my new found wisdom-share it!  I also love to get other's wisdom.  I can not tell you how awesome it is to talk to fellow survivors!  People who get it.  Being another survivor is a timeless bound to have with someone.  Another reason why I would love to find a 20 year old guy that would totally and utterly get it too. :)

I am still keeping myself busy with sign, drums and friends.  I realize I have more people around then I thought.  Yay!  Still living every moment like it's my last, even though I'm pretty sure with all this brand new Italian bone marrow it won't be!

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

The Broviac is Out!!!

If you are unaware of what a broviac is, you should google it. 

My definition for it however is a really obnoxious cord that dangles down your chest making it hard to sleep (especially on your stomach), wear cute scoop or v-neck shirts, and not feel like a machine/man hybrid.  In addition to a lot of the surface issues with a broviac, the upkeep is uber important so you don't get sick from the thing they "installed" in you to get you unsick in the first place.  Everyday you have to change the dressing.  This involves prepping alcohol and sterile water and swabbing a tube that is sticking out of your body.  Yeah, it's really pretty.  Also, everyday you must remember to "flush" your lines. So again you must set aside time to prep saline, syringes, heparin and caps.  I was lucky enough to have a double lumen broviac so I did all this twice.  Anyway....now it is gone and I am beyond happy!

Soooo, that was just my intro.  Today is day +135!!!  I feel absolutely wonderful.  I did kick some of my bad habits from the last entry but I also kicked Kris Carr's book.  She is extremely radical in her feelings of what is suppose to be good for you.  The straw that broke my back was her demonizing non organic lotions and things.  Quote, "If you wouldn't drink it, why should you put it on your skin to be absorbed."  Well honey, I wouldn't drink Chemo.  I really doubt anyone would ever ask for it on ice.  But I would never tell Quinones that I didn't want the treatment because it isn't organic! So she is out of my world for a while.  I realize why I loved her first book.  She wasn't preachy as hell.  She was just sharing a story that she went through that I could also relate too.  Now, she thinks she knows how to prevent cancer through vegetable consumption.  Whatever...but I do enjoy an occasional "green juice."  It doesn't sound all that appetizing but it really does give you green, earthy energy.  Never thought kale, celery, cucumber, and pear would be so good. Especially all together...

I am getting back in the swing of things though.  I am being an awesome home helper.  The same thing I was so devastated about before around day +40.  It does come back.  I have enough energy to put dishes away, clean mirrors and organize shelves just because I want to help.  The feeling of uselessness is extremely hard to deal with.  I'm glad that part is over (knock on wood). 

I'm able to work out like I use to and contribute to things going on around me.  I have come up with a whole work-out schedule that I am super happy with.  I do everything from dance cardio to target training to yoga and piloxing.  Oh, what is piloxing you ask?  Only one of the greatest workout combo's ever.  It's pilates and kickboxing and it is a serious workout.  It incorporates lengthening dance stretches that I love and gets my heart rate up enough to break a sweat.  Yay for movement! I'm also working with Relay for Life, The Arts Council at Children's Hospital and now the Dress to the Nines event.  It is an organization that takes and gives formal dresses to underprivileged women and the proceeds go to CANCER RESEARCH!  You know I am a fan of that!

So now my days are full of good vibes, good food, and good exercise.  I am happy to be getting closer and closer to original Mackenzi.  Well, I guess not original.  I've been through too much stuff to be fully back to factory settings but I like it that way.  The person I am now is a wonderful (Itailian) variation of strength and courage that I wouldn't change for anything.

Day +116

HHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!  I know I've been gone for awhile.  I'm trying to make the most of every single day. This includes watching RuPaul's Drag Race for hours, banging the crap out my drums, eating tons of junk in an effort to gain weight, and calling it a day around 2 in the morning. 

I know!  I'm ashamed of me!

Well now, that all stops! I am still out to have fun with my days but I can only be that worthless and sloth-like for so long.  And now that time has passed.  This just isn't me.  I actually do not enjoy scarfing down candy bars and high calorie frozen dinners.  I believe my skin hates it even more than I do so we must change that right away.  The thing was that I got even skinnier then my already skin pre BMT self.  This means that all of my size 0-1 jeans were sitting on me like limp curtain noodles (my own sad combo metaphor).  I looked awful!  At least by my standards.  I had no curves in any places and started to resemble a "sick person."  I saw this but no one else seem too which was good, or a big fat lie.  Anyway, I took matters into my own hands and looked up ways to gain weight online.  All the articles I read said "add more caloric content" "incorporate good fats and carbs" "don't pig out on junk or else the weight gained will go directly to your hips and thighs"....That's exactly where I want it! 

So I decided to go completely out of my norm and eat over processed super sweet sodium rich food.  Not a good idea at all!  It has been a few weeks and I have gained a muddy complexion, a bumpy and raw tongue, a little bit of the dropsies (not wanting to do anything), and only 1 pound.  Worth it???  Not in the least bit!  So I'm going back to the way I've been eating all my life: salads, raw veggies, fish, salad, stir fry, lean chicken, nothing fried or breaded, and salad.  I enjoy my way of living!

But to change it up I decided to be open minded to Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet.  Kris Carr was at my Tattered Cover bookstore last Friday!!!  If anyone is unfamiliar with Mrs. Carr let me just say, her book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips really helped me get through my Bone Marrow Transplant! 

She is a very awesome cancer cowgirl and I got to meet her! 

She is on a book tour right now promoting her new book Crazy Sexy Diet.  It's not an actual diet but it might as well be.  There is a 21 day cleanse at the end of it.  You know, taking all of this new found knowledge of the horribleness of the regular food we eat and trying to improve our well being by throwing it all out and listening to Hippies lol.  Don't get me wrong, I love Hippies.  I'm a low key, boho hippie most of the time.  But honestly, gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, flavor free cookies are not my thing.

The thing with the diet is you don't really get much food because you're too busy throwing away everything made with dairy, eggs, wheat, animal products, salt, sugar, in a can or frozen.  Yeah, it is totally vegan, gluten free, organic only.  The issue with this is that real people need to be able to have food.  A plate of 80/20-80 percent raw and 20 percent cooked is great in theory but doesn't translate if everything that is cooked has to be raw first, meaning purchased that day or sometime close.  That is unrealistic to go grocery shopping every single day.  That is why a refrigerators and freezers were invented.  Since we are not hunters and gatherings living in tents anymore and not too many of us have our own farms in our backyard, we need to be able to get our food and have it for a second.

My other issue, coming from a cancer patients perspective, it is really hard to stand and prepare your food for hours shortly after chemo or a transplant.  Kris Carr has tumors all over her liver but she never went through chemo or a transplant.  Her cancer is dormant so she's figured out ways to live with it.  That is fantastic for her but each cancer is different and mine doesn't even allow me to eat raw nuts and unpasteurized vegan cheeses so she's definitely not representing majority of fellow cancer survivors because some of the things that "make you so much better" are impossible to us.  We also need a lot of calories (or as much as we can take in) after chemo.  Starting our day with a glass of water with lemon and cayenne, herbal tea, and green juice will kill us before noon.

Oh yeah, and I don't like that she makes correlations between what you eat and getting cancer.  Not in the manner of an actual nutrition fact like others have done but almost like "that burger you ate that one time caused this, that makes it kinda your fault."  She of course does not actually say or mean that (I actually asked her!) but I just don't like anyone using themselves as proof.  Carr was a party girl that didn't sleep but did yoga and drank coffee.  Then she got sick and saw the errors of her ways.  I was a nerdy thirteen year old that eat all her veggies and then some, went to bed around 9 and was active and physically healthy through dance.  The equations aren't always so cut and dry.  Bad living leads to disease.  Oh, and good living can also lead to disease.

Anywayz, that's my rant about that.  I'm still going to try the cleanse but I know what I will incorporate for the long term and what I won't.  I don't believe to be a healthy and Happy individual you need to eliminate so many things from your diet.  Of course don't live off of frozen dinners or the drive through.  Eat salad and raw veggies whenever you can.  Cut back on dairy cause inflammation and Flem Suck.  But don't keep yourself from experiencing wonderful culinary creations because they used non organic environmentally friendly canola oil.

Day 100!!!

It's so funny because day 100 is no different than day 99 or day 101 but in BMT circles its a super big deal.  I'm all for that though.  I am happier than a clam...I never understood that saying, how happy can clams be?

I had my bone marrow aspirate done on Wednesday and everything was WONDERFUL!!!  My ANC was 8943 and my ALC was back to 1.4.  I am also 100% Leukemia Free!  Thank you little Italian baby <3

I feel 1000% fantastic.  I got off sooooo many medications!  All of my morning and evening meds fight in one pill box.  Before I had an overflowing pill box and then another set of pills in my pocket.  I'm sooooo happy about my progress.  Now I'm crying out of joy.  I am soooo lucky to be given a second/third chance.  And with this chance, I plan to do everything in my power to help people like me and everyone else in the world.  I mean this too! 

So far I am sitting on the arts committee of Children's Hospital to help beautify the place that I, and so many others, spend so much time in.  We want the environment to be as inviting as possible to combat the terrible circumstances that most of the patients must deal with.  I know personally how bleak and depressing transfusion rooms can be.  Our current project is getting art and personalized paintings into these rooms to help kids of any age feel a lot better when they have to be in one.

Second, I have created a YouTube account called BMTBabe (naturally).  On my channel, I have motivational videos inspired by my experience.  I want to become a voice for cancer survivors and anyone else that wants to make the most of the life they were given.  My goal is to give people the confidence and motivation to live their lives to the fullest without needing tragedy (like a cancer diagnoses) to propel them there.  Here's my link: http://www.youtube.com/user/bmtbabe

With this same YouTube account, I am raising money for the American Cancer Society by selling my homemade Jewelry.  And when I say homemade, I don't mean plastic beads and string.  I've been making jewelry for years and can design any beaded accessory you can imagine.  Through the YouTube videos I will be taking request for custom jewelry and sending the proceeds to the American Cancer Society.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ2Tti7ptek

I like keeping busy!  Please help if you read my blog even once.  I greatly appreciate it.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**

So Close but Still so far

So I am doing amazing!  I'm supper happy to blog this information.  My ANC is in the 6 thousands and my ALC is still in normal people territory!  I feel great.  I'm working out and eat well.  I'm even practicing my drums like a crazy person.

Alas, some days I just remember how shitty and unfair this is and all I can do is cry.  I still keep up my positive attitude and uplifting mindset because that is what gets me through.  Its not fake either.  I'm not always happy and I don't pretend to be.  But I do know that I am lucky to be on the other side of this and appreciate my second/third chance at life.  The only thing with that is my life was at college.  My life was with my friends.  My life was dancing.

I try not to upset myself by going through people's pictures of different blocks on facebook but today I couldn't help it.  I saw people doing things that I would have been doing if I was there.  Things I should have gotten a chance to do.  Things that were taken away from me.  I know that I am a stronger and better person since this but I would give up all this strength and wisdom to just be a stupid college student that isn't worried about her blood count.

I can't stop crying but I know it will pass.  I will go back to relishing everyday and making the most out of my situation.  But I have to be true to myself when I feel this way.  Today I just happen to be in front of my computer when this feeling came on. 

Everything else is going great though.  This is just harder than anyone could possibly imagine.

Until Next Time, BMT Babe is Out**